Just Keep Breathing

Today was the first good day that I've had in about the last month. Yes, I said DAY. I no longer gauge my days if they are good or bad. They are gauged by the good, the bad, and the just plain numb moments that I have throughout one given day. I want to get excited about today but I know I can't. I know that one day does not end this current episode. I know this for a fact because the last 2-3 weeks have been miserable. If I thought I had hit rock bottom before, I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

Visited with a doctor this past week for a "third-opinion". I've gone back and forth with myself on how this could be a good thing (someone new seeing me and have fresh eyes to my history) or a bad thing (this is going to delay my getting better, what if this doctor sees something completely different). The list of "what ifs" continue on and on. Long story short, this "third-opinion" doctor ruled out soft-bipolar and I am very much relieved. His diagnosis: severe depression and anxiety.

So this is not something completely new that I have never faced before, it's just a much more severe episode than the ones I have had previously. With today being a good day and all, I see positivity in all this. This is something I have faced before AND beaten before. Two days ago and the previous weeks, I saw no positivity and I might not be as positive tomorrow. But I'll take what hope I can get, even if it's just a little bit.

I've officially a new rock bottom. Rock bottom in a hole that seems to get darker and deeper with each passing day. Days flooded with moments of panic when my fears overwhelm me and I am completely lost as to how to keep fighting onward. I know where I want to eventually get to. I know what I want the light at the end of this tunnel to look like and have in it but I have no idea how to get there. I guess what it comes down to is not focusing on the destination so much, but focusing and working on the journey. That it's the journey that will eventually get me to my destination.

Again, all is easier said than done at this moment. All I can, and going to continue to do is to put myself first. I know that sounds selfish, but I know, and my friends and family know, that I am certainly not a selfish person at all and that this is what I HAVE to do to help myself get better. I cannot and will not rely solely on my medication. I've already cut back my hours at my second job and not letting it go because I know I will need it come summer. I will continue to try my hardest at eating better/healthier. I will continue trying to work out even if it's just walking a few miles through the trails when I don't even want to because I know it's better than doing nothing. Plus, it's good thinking time. I will continue to try going to sleep early enough so I get enough sleep because I'm already mentally exhausted pretty much everyday. And lastly, and what I think is most importantly, I will continue to just breathe slowly and deeply because that's the only thing I have complete control of right now.

 I just have to keep breathing and having faith, what ever I can muster up, no matter how dark or deep this hole may get.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

To say that yesterday and today have been rough days is kind of an understatement. It's been hard getting out of bed and staying away from being in it. Came home from the elementary where I teach at yesterday and slept until 9pm. Woke up, ate something, and went back to sleep. I know things are bad when I'm sleeping this much and I'm still wanting to sleep more. My parents will tell me that it's from sleeping too much, but it's more than that. I know I need to go workout, even just take a walk around the neighborhood, but that's a struggle. It's a struggle between two sides of myself. The side that is determined  to get up and out there and get the ball rolling out of all this mess. Then, there is the side that just isn't interested or motivated and just wants to sleep because that's the only time when the constant thoughts and fighting within myself stops. At the end of the day, it's my call what side of myself I give way to and right now, that side is the latter of the two. And trust me, this doesn't sit well with me. Too much fun and exciting events are coming up and I don't want this "funk" get in the way of the fun I'm going to have. I'm going back to the town where I went to college for the weekend for one of my sorority sister's bachelorette party. I'm going to be reunited with all the girls that I lived with in the sorority house and who were apart of the college experience everyone told me I was going to have. I'm sure you're thinking "why doesn't this girl just pull herself up by the bootstraps already and stop wallowing". Well, every second of every day, I am trying to do exactly just that but everything right now is a lot easier said then done. It's the never ending, 24-hour battle. But, I see it as a good sign that I'm making myself go this weekend. I'm giving myself no option and no excuses out of not going. Deep dow, I feel it is needed in a weird and backwards way. I see it as a sign of there being some fight still left.

A constant reminder every minute of everyday.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be filled with many good moments because I don't want to ruin this weekend for myself or for my friends.

Welcome to My Roller Coaster

I've been debating with myself starting this for the past couple of weeks now, not sure if I wanted to let anyone and everyone in on what very few know. I don't like being seen as weak because I, of all people, know that I am definitely anything but weak. I've always written about the secret details in my life but for some reason, my personal journals haven't felt as therapeutic as I thought they would. So, recently, I have come to the conclusion that by making my battles and journeys a little bit more public, I would be forced to fight harder and be held accountable to make the changes in my life that so desperately need to be made right now. Regardless if you are family, a friend, or even a stranger, I want it to be made clear that I'm not writing this because I feel sorry or pity myself or even want the attention or sympathy. It's for the exact opposite reason and that just maybe, my story, my struggles, might help someone else going through a similar silent battle. So here goes nothing and everything all at the same time...


Where to begin this story and make a long story short (because I will also no longer dwell in the past, only learn from it and move on)...


My battle, or my roller coaster as I like to call it, began sometime when I was ten years old. The exact reasons and details of what happened I can no longer remember. All I do know is that is when I took my seat on the roller coaster that has been my life for the past 14 years and I've come to accept that this will be a never ending ride. There have been the happiest of highs, the darkest of lows, and lots in-between. I know everyone's life journey is hard because that is how life is. Life is hard, plain and simple. But when your dealt a card, a battle, that is silent and that no one else can see or feel aside from you, the journey becomes even harder. It's harder for people to understand what is going on. Unlike a broken bone, my "sickness" (I have never seen myself as sick and you'll hopefully see why, but in reality, that's exactly what I am) cannot be seen on an x-ray or in blood test results. There are no medical tests that can be done to see what chemicals are messed up in my brain to see what's causing the depression and anxiety. Since I was ten, I've had three major depressive episodes and I am currently at rock bottom of my fourth one and this time has become a new battle that I don't even know how to fight (don't worry, I am seeing a therapist and a psych who are helping me create battle plans). 


For the past two weeks, my brain has just been going and going. It never turns off and my thoughts switch topics every minute it feels like. I call this my snowball. It just builds and builds, one thought building onto another. Even right now, my brain is talking and thinking faster than my fingers can type.
Current thoughts:

• Time- I'm wasting time, precious time that I'm not doing and experiencing all the things a young twenty-something should be doing and experiencing.
• Job/Career- I graduated little over a year ago with a degree in education and I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life or if I'm doing it because it's all I've ever known.
• Fear- Fear has pretty much snuck its way into every aspect of my life. I over think every word I say, every text I send because I fear how that person will respond and/or view me.

I could add so many more bullets to that list but right now, I don't have the energy to even attempt to try and slow my thoughts down so I can write them. Beginning to see the problem? It's a vicious, never ending cycle at the moment and that is exactly what my life has come down to. Just moments. Which, at first, I would like to say I see as a good thing. Years ago, I was the type of person who made plans years in advance. Today, I've gotten myself to where I only focus on today and only make future plans if they are doctors appointments or things at work. I count that as a triumph in my book and I don't care what anyone says. But my life has come down to the moments of how I feel these days. Good moments. Bad moments. Happy moments. Sad moments. Determined moments. Overwhelmed moments. Angry moments. Freaked out moments. Moments where I can't even breathe. And all of these moments span just a day, one entire day. They are the moments that are usually never consistent. Only to be triggered by the never ending snowball of thoughts going on in my head.

So, this is where I am going to stop my rambling, because that is exactly what the start of this has turned into, rambles. If you don't know me, you aren't going to know the type of person I was this time last year, before I started my fall again to rock bottom. Just know that all of the said above is not me, not the person I really am or want to become. The person I am when the medications are actually the right ones and working. I've worked really to become someone I never thought I would be. Now, since moving back home (not because of the people, but because of the city I live in and the feeling that this is not where I'm supposed to be), stretching myself thin working two jobs, one of which isn't exactly what I want to do, and having a very small social life, I feel I have regressed backwards. I have worked too hard and want to do too much (even if I don't know exactly what it is) with my life for me to just settle and let the invisible, silent monster win this time. And this is what I want to be reminded of when I'm in my bad moments. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, this is hand I have been dealt with and I've been fighting like hell against it because I will NOT let it prevent or get in the way of all the amazing things I want to do and experience in my life. 

Welcome to my roller coaster and it can, and will, only go up from here.