Welcome to My Roller Coaster

I've been debating with myself starting this for the past couple of weeks now, not sure if I wanted to let anyone and everyone in on what very few know. I don't like being seen as weak because I, of all people, know that I am definitely anything but weak. I've always written about the secret details in my life but for some reason, my personal journals haven't felt as therapeutic as I thought they would. So, recently, I have come to the conclusion that by making my battles and journeys a little bit more public, I would be forced to fight harder and be held accountable to make the changes in my life that so desperately need to be made right now. Regardless if you are family, a friend, or even a stranger, I want it to be made clear that I'm not writing this because I feel sorry or pity myself or even want the attention or sympathy. It's for the exact opposite reason and that just maybe, my story, my struggles, might help someone else going through a similar silent battle. So here goes nothing and everything all at the same time...


Where to begin this story and make a long story short (because I will also no longer dwell in the past, only learn from it and move on)...


My battle, or my roller coaster as I like to call it, began sometime when I was ten years old. The exact reasons and details of what happened I can no longer remember. All I do know is that is when I took my seat on the roller coaster that has been my life for the past 14 years and I've come to accept that this will be a never ending ride. There have been the happiest of highs, the darkest of lows, and lots in-between. I know everyone's life journey is hard because that is how life is. Life is hard, plain and simple. But when your dealt a card, a battle, that is silent and that no one else can see or feel aside from you, the journey becomes even harder. It's harder for people to understand what is going on. Unlike a broken bone, my "sickness" (I have never seen myself as sick and you'll hopefully see why, but in reality, that's exactly what I am) cannot be seen on an x-ray or in blood test results. There are no medical tests that can be done to see what chemicals are messed up in my brain to see what's causing the depression and anxiety. Since I was ten, I've had three major depressive episodes and I am currently at rock bottom of my fourth one and this time has become a new battle that I don't even know how to fight (don't worry, I am seeing a therapist and a psych who are helping me create battle plans). 


For the past two weeks, my brain has just been going and going. It never turns off and my thoughts switch topics every minute it feels like. I call this my snowball. It just builds and builds, one thought building onto another. Even right now, my brain is talking and thinking faster than my fingers can type.
Current thoughts:

• Time- I'm wasting time, precious time that I'm not doing and experiencing all the things a young twenty-something should be doing and experiencing.
• Job/Career- I graduated little over a year ago with a degree in education and I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life or if I'm doing it because it's all I've ever known.
• Fear- Fear has pretty much snuck its way into every aspect of my life. I over think every word I say, every text I send because I fear how that person will respond and/or view me.

I could add so many more bullets to that list but right now, I don't have the energy to even attempt to try and slow my thoughts down so I can write them. Beginning to see the problem? It's a vicious, never ending cycle at the moment and that is exactly what my life has come down to. Just moments. Which, at first, I would like to say I see as a good thing. Years ago, I was the type of person who made plans years in advance. Today, I've gotten myself to where I only focus on today and only make future plans if they are doctors appointments or things at work. I count that as a triumph in my book and I don't care what anyone says. But my life has come down to the moments of how I feel these days. Good moments. Bad moments. Happy moments. Sad moments. Determined moments. Overwhelmed moments. Angry moments. Freaked out moments. Moments where I can't even breathe. And all of these moments span just a day, one entire day. They are the moments that are usually never consistent. Only to be triggered by the never ending snowball of thoughts going on in my head.

So, this is where I am going to stop my rambling, because that is exactly what the start of this has turned into, rambles. If you don't know me, you aren't going to know the type of person I was this time last year, before I started my fall again to rock bottom. Just know that all of the said above is not me, not the person I really am or want to become. The person I am when the medications are actually the right ones and working. I've worked really to become someone I never thought I would be. Now, since moving back home (not because of the people, but because of the city I live in and the feeling that this is not where I'm supposed to be), stretching myself thin working two jobs, one of which isn't exactly what I want to do, and having a very small social life, I feel I have regressed backwards. I have worked too hard and want to do too much (even if I don't know exactly what it is) with my life for me to just settle and let the invisible, silent monster win this time. And this is what I want to be reminded of when I'm in my bad moments. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, this is hand I have been dealt with and I've been fighting like hell against it because I will NOT let it prevent or get in the way of all the amazing things I want to do and experience in my life. 

Welcome to my roller coaster and it can, and will, only go up from here.