Today was the first good day that I've had in about the last month. Yes, I said DAY. I no longer gauge my days if they are good or bad. They are gauged by the good, the bad, and the just plain numb moments that I have throughout one given day. I want to get excited about today but I know I can't. I know that one day does not end this current episode. I know this for a fact because the last 2-3 weeks have been miserable. If I thought I had hit rock bottom before, I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.
Visited with a doctor this past week for a "third-opinion". I've gone back and forth with myself on how this could be a good thing (someone new seeing me and have fresh eyes to my history) or a bad thing (this is going to delay my getting better, what if this doctor sees something completely different). The list of "what ifs" continue on and on. Long story short, this "third-opinion" doctor ruled out soft-bipolar and I am very much relieved. His diagnosis: severe depression and anxiety.
So this is not something completely new that I have never faced before, it's just a much more severe episode than the ones I have had previously. With today being a good day and all, I see positivity in all this. This is something I have faced before AND beaten before. Two days ago and the previous weeks, I saw no positivity and I might not be as positive tomorrow. But I'll take what hope I can get, even if it's just a little bit.
I've officially a new rock bottom. Rock bottom in a hole that seems to get darker and deeper with each passing day. Days flooded with moments of panic when my fears overwhelm me and I am completely lost as to how to keep fighting onward. I know where I want to eventually get to. I know what I want the light at the end of this tunnel to look like and have in it but I have no idea how to get there. I guess what it comes down to is not focusing on the destination so much, but focusing and working on the journey. That it's the journey that will eventually get me to my destination.
Again, all is easier said than done at this moment. All I can, and going to continue to do is to put myself first. I know that sounds selfish, but I know, and my friends and family know, that I am certainly not a selfish person at all and that this is what I HAVE to do to help myself get better. I cannot and will not rely solely on my medication. I've already cut back my hours at my second job and not letting it go because I know I will need it come summer. I will continue to try my hardest at eating better/healthier. I will continue trying to work out even if it's just walking a few miles through the trails when I don't even want to because I know it's better than doing nothing. Plus, it's good thinking time. I will continue to try going to sleep early enough so I get enough sleep because I'm already mentally exhausted pretty much everyday. And lastly, and what I think is most importantly, I will continue to just breathe slowly and deeply because that's the only thing I have complete control of right now.
I just have to keep breathing and having faith, what ever I can muster up, no matter how dark or deep this hole may get.
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