Just Keep Breathing

Today was the first good day that I've had in about the last month. Yes, I said DAY. I no longer gauge my days if they are good or bad. They are gauged by the good, the bad, and the just plain numb moments that I have throughout one given day. I want to get excited about today but I know I can't. I know that one day does not end this current episode. I know this for a fact because the last 2-3 weeks have been miserable. If I thought I had hit rock bottom before, I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

Visited with a doctor this past week for a "third-opinion". I've gone back and forth with myself on how this could be a good thing (someone new seeing me and have fresh eyes to my history) or a bad thing (this is going to delay my getting better, what if this doctor sees something completely different). The list of "what ifs" continue on and on. Long story short, this "third-opinion" doctor ruled out soft-bipolar and I am very much relieved. His diagnosis: severe depression and anxiety.

So this is not something completely new that I have never faced before, it's just a much more severe episode than the ones I have had previously. With today being a good day and all, I see positivity in all this. This is something I have faced before AND beaten before. Two days ago and the previous weeks, I saw no positivity and I might not be as positive tomorrow. But I'll take what hope I can get, even if it's just a little bit.

I've officially a new rock bottom. Rock bottom in a hole that seems to get darker and deeper with each passing day. Days flooded with moments of panic when my fears overwhelm me and I am completely lost as to how to keep fighting onward. I know where I want to eventually get to. I know what I want the light at the end of this tunnel to look like and have in it but I have no idea how to get there. I guess what it comes down to is not focusing on the destination so much, but focusing and working on the journey. That it's the journey that will eventually get me to my destination.

Again, all is easier said than done at this moment. All I can, and going to continue to do is to put myself first. I know that sounds selfish, but I know, and my friends and family know, that I am certainly not a selfish person at all and that this is what I HAVE to do to help myself get better. I cannot and will not rely solely on my medication. I've already cut back my hours at my second job and not letting it go because I know I will need it come summer. I will continue to try my hardest at eating better/healthier. I will continue trying to work out even if it's just walking a few miles through the trails when I don't even want to because I know it's better than doing nothing. Plus, it's good thinking time. I will continue to try going to sleep early enough so I get enough sleep because I'm already mentally exhausted pretty much everyday. And lastly, and what I think is most importantly, I will continue to just breathe slowly and deeply because that's the only thing I have complete control of right now.

 I just have to keep breathing and having faith, what ever I can muster up, no matter how dark or deep this hole may get.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

To say that yesterday and today have been rough days is kind of an understatement. It's been hard getting out of bed and staying away from being in it. Came home from the elementary where I teach at yesterday and slept until 9pm. Woke up, ate something, and went back to sleep. I know things are bad when I'm sleeping this much and I'm still wanting to sleep more. My parents will tell me that it's from sleeping too much, but it's more than that. I know I need to go workout, even just take a walk around the neighborhood, but that's a struggle. It's a struggle between two sides of myself. The side that is determined  to get up and out there and get the ball rolling out of all this mess. Then, there is the side that just isn't interested or motivated and just wants to sleep because that's the only time when the constant thoughts and fighting within myself stops. At the end of the day, it's my call what side of myself I give way to and right now, that side is the latter of the two. And trust me, this doesn't sit well with me. Too much fun and exciting events are coming up and I don't want this "funk" get in the way of the fun I'm going to have. I'm going back to the town where I went to college for the weekend for one of my sorority sister's bachelorette party. I'm going to be reunited with all the girls that I lived with in the sorority house and who were apart of the college experience everyone told me I was going to have. I'm sure you're thinking "why doesn't this girl just pull herself up by the bootstraps already and stop wallowing". Well, every second of every day, I am trying to do exactly just that but everything right now is a lot easier said then done. It's the never ending, 24-hour battle. But, I see it as a good sign that I'm making myself go this weekend. I'm giving myself no option and no excuses out of not going. Deep dow, I feel it is needed in a weird and backwards way. I see it as a sign of there being some fight still left.

A constant reminder every minute of everyday.

Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be filled with many good moments because I don't want to ruin this weekend for myself or for my friends.